


downfall

by smolblueberry



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Star Gazing, cats are highly mentioned, dancing in the streets for no reason, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 14:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5167514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolblueberry/pseuds/smolblueberry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They weren't raised in the best town and weren't raised around the best people.<br/>Shinji and Kaworu are just problematic kids looking for a better life and Kaworu might have found his own solution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	downfall

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, this definitely did not start off as kawoshin.  
> I don't know what it started off as honestly. 
> 
> Second, while writing this I listened to these songs and they definitely helped with the mood so if you want to listen to them while reading go on ahead!: https://soundcloud.com/kurokowhy/sets/downfall
> 
> now, I hope you enjoy.

Things weren’t normal.

 _they_ weren’t normal.

Two very fucked up kids roamed the streets, confused and alert.

It was far too late to be walking in silence for no apparent reason.

They had been born and raised in that small town where things were supposed to be okay, but they weren’t exactly raised the correct way and the people around them weren’t either.

 ****_nothing was normal anymore._

It’s not like it ever was really. Life was a huge joke to everyone in that small town of theirs.

“Hey Kaworu.. are we ever going to be okay?” Small murmurs were passed.

The street light flickered and the wind rushed by, making their hair a mess of tangles.

“I don’t know, maybe?” He didn’t sound so sure.

Shinji always asked the same question and the same response was given. Those type of walks were even pretty constant.

The 3 AM anxiety walks. Shinji had an anxiety attack, called Kaworu for help and they’d end up going on a walk and ask each other questions.

Chills ran up Kaworu's spine, but he didn’t complain just kept walking beside his best friend waiting to answer more questions.

“Are you ready to graduate?” The two were seniors in high school. Stress was common upon the two though Kaworu caved his stress inside, never to show Shinji how nervous he was because then it’d just cause Shinji even more anxiety.

“Yeah, I have everything I need done and ready to become an adult.” He puffed out a large amount of air so that he could just see it become visible in the cold, dark night.

He’d miss those midnight walks with Shinji. Yeah, they were going to attend the same uni, but the walks would be different. They’d be on a crowded campus where parties would be held. Never would those walks be held in that quiet neighborhoods of theirs where memories were made, both good and bad.

Kaworu glanced over at the nervous brunette whom was walking next to him. A wry grin formed on his lips at all the memories that passed his mind just with that one glance.

The petty arguments, the shared laughs, the star gazing, and the occasional stupid midnight dances they held in the middle of the street. Just the two of them looking like crazy people as they played music in their insane little heads and danced on the black top close and together.

“What is it?”

“Memories.”

“Ah..”

Kaworu laughed for no reason really, just loved seeing Shinji there next to him so confused and tired.

“You know what, I think we will be okay. We’ll make it by in this messed up world. Just the two of us _together._ ” Shinji knew the grin that Kaworu was giving him. He was going to do something and the brunette was 100% going to let him do whatever he planned.

“Ready for your anxiety to go away Ikari?” The gray haired male grabbed his boyfriends hand and took him to the empty street.

Shinji nodded, knowing that they were going to dance until they were both lying on the hard bumpy road laughing.

“What are you two idiots doing out so late on a school night?” A familiar, bossy female voice rang out.

They both at the same time looked at the red haired girl, her hand on her hip waiting for a response. Another one of the fucked up people they knew who wasn’t raised correctly.

Kaworu shrugged, still holding Shinji’s shaking hand “Nightly walks. What are you doing Ms. Langley. Aren’t you supposed to be at home living your perfect little life and sleeping so that you can go on and be perfect tomorrow morning and _every single day_ after that.”

Shinji shot him a look. For some reason, no matter how rude Asuka was to him, he considered her a friend. Kaworu didn’t exactly like that though.

“Shinji will you please put your boyfriend on a leash. Thank you.” Kaworu laughed while Shinji’s cheeks flushed into a bright red that could just barely be seen under the flickering lamp post.

“I uh..” No words formed. Kaworu pulled him close to his chest and began to dance slowly as if Asuka wasn’t there with them. Like their night wasn’t disturbed at all.

“Ignore her. I know you’re still feeling anxious, so just concentrate on my voice okay? By the end of the night you’ll be smiling.” His voice was calm and smooth as hell, something Shinji always enjoyed when he was feeling so anxious so late at night.

Shinji followed the familiar steps, taking slow and steady breaths as he let his head rest gently on Kaworu’s chest listening to his heartbeat.

A small chuckle passed his lips at the vibrations he felt when his friend started to talk again. Kaworu never failed did he?

He was always this smooth and down to earth guy who knew how to do things right. Why did he become friends with Shinji when they were little? Why did he ask out the mess of a teenager who always had anxiety attacks, had issues socializing with people and basically needed a cup of tea or coffee 4 times a day just 2 years before?

Shinji wished that he knew, but that unfortunately would probably be a mystery until the end of time.

“Hmm.. she left.” Kaworu smiled to himself separating Shinji from his chest and without warning spinning him like he was some kind of princess from a fairy tale.

Shinji actually smiled, holding his fits of laughter.

It was pretty rare to hear a laugh from Shinji. The only time he really did was of course when he was with Kaworu, but it was even pretty rare when he tried to get Shinji to laugh.

“Feeling better Ikari?”

“When do I not feel better when I’m with you idiot?”

Kaworu thought for a moment as if it was an actual question.

There really was no answer, so the gray haired male grabbed Shinji, pulled him into a tight hug and gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead as if he was saying this goodbye.

His eyes suddenly looked really sad, but Kaworu was never sad.

He was happy and calm all the time.

What was happening?

“Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a year, but eventually things will turn up. You will get better and be able to look back and say with relief, I made it. I swear to you Shinji that this will happen okay? I love you.”

\------

Shinji woke up shaking for that matter.

He looked around hoping to find Kaworu next to him, but he wouldn’t be there.

He’d never be by his side ever again.

Shinji had that one dream a lot, but it wasn’t really a dream since those events actually happened.

Yep, they happened the day before Kaworu Nagisa had killed himself.

After that idiot of a person promised that things would get better. After he promised that they’d make it through the messed up world together. After saying ‘I love you’. He killed himself.

That happened 3 years ago and Shinji still wasn’t okay, he was as messed up as ever.

Shinji grabbed his phone and called Kaworu just wanting one more answer, one more night of dancing.

“Just one more please.” He mumbled shakily waiting for an answer.

 ****_“Sorry, I’m not here right now. Probably too busy up in space fighting off aliens with Shinji! I’ll make sure to call back whenever I’ve landed back on earth!”_

Shinji smiled faintly at the voice that he loved and missed so much, but that smile slowly faded away as tears started to very quickly stream down his cheeks.

The brunette bit his lip, trying so hard not to yell.

He couldn’t help himself in the end.

“You idiot! I hate you! I hope you can hear me, I hope you can see how much pain you’ve put me in!”

Toji, his roommate and another one of his fucked up childhood friends woke up.

He sure as hell wasn’t Kaworu, but at the least he was someone that could help Shinji a tad bit.

“Shinji, was it the dream again?” The dream usually happened on a weekly basis, but there was no specific day so Toji could never really prepare himself to be woken up.

“Yeah.. I’m gonna go walk around the dorm for a bit..” He wasn’t exactly calm yet, but he didn’t want to be stuffed in the room and given the same lecture again so he got up from bed and exited the room with his key in hand.

That smooth voice rang in his head, the words from his voicemail repeating over and over again.

Kaworu always had an obsession with space for some reason.

Ever since they were little. He always had an alien t-shirt on him and his house keys had a star pattern printed on them.

That was always a nice detail to remember about him.

Every detail was nice to remember even the bad ones.

Shinji sat down outside of his room just thinking about all the things the two did together since they first met, leading up to the last time Shinji got to be with Kaworu.

“I hope I do end up okay someday, but for now you’ve left me so messed up Kaworu. Even more messed up than before and that’s pretty bad.”

 ******_‘You know what, I think we will be okay. We’ll make it by in this messed up world. Just the two of us together’_ **

“When I found out what you did to yourself I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think I could live in a world without Kaworu Nagisa.”

**_‘I’m ready to become an adult’_ **

“Looks like I can though. It isn’t easy at all.”

 ******_I think I was born to meet you Ikari. Really.’_ **

“I just wish I would’ve known you know.. So that I could’ve made your last day on this earth worth it. So that it wasn’t spent with you helping me through my anxiety.”

**_‘You’re one hundred times better than those stars. I’d choose you over traveling through the galaxy in an instant.’_ **

“I probably should’ve made a plan to run away from that stupid town a long time ago. We could’ve lived alone in the forest with a billion cats and we would’ve been okay.”

 ******_‘I love you Ikari Shinji!’_ **

“It’s too late for that though.”

 ******_‘We should find a spell so we can turn into cats! That’d be awesome!’_ **

“I really miss you.. and love you..”

 ******_‘Me and you, first date at the observatory okay?’_ **

“Goodnight idiot.”

\--------

If only Shinji knew that Kaworu was right next to him, listening to every word. Tears streaming down his face, wishing that he had been there next to him, able to hold him and kiss him until the end of the world.

“I should've stayed with you so we really could’ve moved into a forest together with a billion cats.. That would’ve been fun.”

He was hoping that Shinji could hear him, but of course he couldn’t and never would be able to.

“I’ll see you soon Shinji.. I love you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes towards the end Shinji wasn't exactly stable and yes Shinji is still paying for Kaworu's phone bill because he calls his phone for that one voicemail on a weekly basis.


End file.
